This series documents stories from the Herman Cain Awards subreddit, tracking the COVID mis- and disinformation on Facebook that is leading to so many deaths. Today’s cautionary tale will miss the event of his lifetime because he had to be stupid. 

For those of you who aren’t sports or football fans, here’s the critical context: The Cincinnati Bengals will play in this year’s Super Bowl, their first appearance in 34 years. In fact, they hadn’t even won a playoff game since 1991. They have never won the Super Bowl. 

Our guys loved the Bengals, seemingly more than anything. His timeline was dominated by references to the team. 

The Pittsburgh Steelers are mortal enemies of the Bengals. The cities are in adjacent states, and the teams play in the same division (along with the Cleveland Browns and Baltimore Ravens). This montage speaks to his devotion to the rivalry. 

He loved his Bengals more than anything, hated the Steelers more than anything. 

Sadly for him, in the 34 years since the Bengals last made a Super Bowl appearance (one they lost to the San Francisco 49ers), the Steelers won two of them, in 2006 and 2009. Boy that must’ve rankled. Also in that time span, the Steelers won their division 15 times, compared to just six times for the Bengals. 

It’s tough being a Bengals fan. That’s why this year is so momentous for the organization and its fans. This has been a long time coming. 

Now imagine this thing is happening, you’ve dreamed about it your whole life, you were a kid last time it happened, now you get to enjoy it with beer. 

Also, imagine there’s a global pandemic killing millions of people. Maybe, just maybe, you protect yourself, and not endanger your ability to be present for the Big Game? 

Nah. Of course not. 

I keep writing that the right-wing dis- and misinformation machine has short-circuited the parental instinct to protect one’s kids and family at all cost. Well, it also short-circuited this guy’s desire to be present for his favorite team’s biggest possible accomplishment. 

DON’T TRACK ME ON FACEBOOK, BUT I’LL STAY ON FACEBOOK YOU JUST STOP FOLLOWING ME. THAT’LL PROTECT ME FROM BEING TRACKED ON FACEBOOK. 

Aside from the dumbest logic possible, in addition to a rank misunderstanding of how he’s being tracked, what the heck is this China “social credit system”? I think it’s the first time we’ve seen it. 

It’s a thing that exists, actually: 

The exact methodology is a secret — but examples of infractions include bad driving, smoking in non-smoking zones, buying too many video games, and posting fake news online, specifically about terrorist attacks or airport security.

It was supposed to be live in 2020 but doesn’t seem to be implemented yet, probably because this seems impossibly complicated and difficult to manage. Like a financial credit score, but for behavior? 

In any case, Facebook already knows how many video games he bought, whether he smokes, and it certainly knows all the fake news he’s spread online. So not sure why a COVID contact tracing app is so enraging. 

MAKE IT GO VIRAL THAT UNCONSTITUTIONAL LAWS ARE NULL AND VOID. 

Dumbass thinks that this means that stuff they don’t like is “unconstitutional.” Nope, it’s whatever the Supreme Court says. 

134,572 deaths was like April 2020. He posted this September 2021, when deaths were in the 700,000s. 

Also, 134,572 is a lot of death. Why would you point to that and be like “pshaw, no biggie!” Not to mention ascribing survival rates to the entire population as opposed to those who get COVID is statistical malpractice. 

Of course, this is the same crowd that hyperventilated for years about a handful of Americans murdered in Benghazi, not to mention justifying just about everything after 3,000 were murdered in the 9/11 attacks. What percent of Americans were killed in those terrorist attacks? A lot less than 99.96% or whatever other made-up number they love to throw out. 

But let me put this in words he might’ve understood: 

The Bengals play in Paul Brown Stadium, capacity 65,515. If 99.96% of attendees survived a game, that would mean that 26 people would die during each game. Just randomly! Go to a Bengals game, and you might be one of the lucky 26. 

There’re lots of people there, odds are good you don’t die! But 26 will. 

Of course, the actual case fatality rate right now is 1.2%. So let’s apply that number to that sold-out Bengals stadium, and we end up with 786 dead. Really, who would go to the games knowing those odds? 

WHY CAN’T WE DO THE THING I VOTE AGAINST DOING????

Well, we had the child tax credit sending out monthly checks, which cut child hunger dramatically. But then Republicans and Sens. Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema conspired to kill it. So yeah, we’re working on vaccinating the entire planet, but if you really want to feed the starving, vote Democratic. 

Reminds me of this: 

YouTube Video

30% blood oxygen levels? That has to be a typo or misunderstanding, because that’s brain-dead levels. 

“He would literally give you the shirt off his back” is literally rote bullshit. 

Memorialized in a Cincinnati Bengals fleece, dying just a month before he could’ve witnessed them in the Super Bowl—something that had last happened when he was 12. 

Had he listened to us liberals, he’d be gearing up for the big celebration. He listened to the wrong people. 

Serious question: At the beginning of the season, if he’d been given the option to vaccinate, and they told him “If you take the jab, guaranteed you will see your team in the Super Bowl,” would he have taken it? 

I legit wonder whether his sports brain would’ve overpowered his conspiracy brain.