Colorado state Sen. Don Coram has decided to throw his hat into the ring and primary U.S. Rep. Lauren Boebert and her cartoonish Tasmanian-Devil stranglehold over Colorado’s District 3. Coram joins fellow conservative and industrial crane operator Marina Zimmerman in the hopes of wresting back the conservative seat from the far reaches of the most fascistic factions of the GOP. While Zimmerman is an outsider candidate, the fact that Coram has a political background in the Centennial State might give Rep. Boebert a moment of pause.

How did Boebert describe the new primary candidate she’s facing? As a “super-woke social liberal.” What is that? Hard to say. When asked about this description of his conservative, self-described centrist sensibility, Coram said, “I have no idea what that means.” Of course you don’t, you wacky GOP commie! But we do. Back in December, like four weeks (or maybe it was four million weeks) ago, Coram appeared at an event and made this radical claim: “I feel bad for the 80% in the middle because the 10% on the far left and far right get all the attention.” Slow down, Mao!

Coram is a long shot at this point, as Colorado does not have a big history of unseating incumbent Republicans. It is going to be even harder when the Colorado Sun reports that the state senator has been willing to describe the events of Jan. 6, 2021 as an “insurrection.” But before you jump for joy, Coram’s most notable GOP supporter is disgraced former embezzler and racist Steve King.

On the other side, Zimmerman hopes that while she isn’t bananas cuckoo silly like Boebert, she might be able to employ some of the same viral name recognition in order to get people to vote for her. According to Coloradopolitics.com, Zimmerman knows she cannot match the kind of campaign war chest that Boebert has been able to amass by peddling every piece of disinformation available. But she can get her name out by way of a viral video of her sleep-walking dog, Bizkit. I’m dead serious.

“Then I went back to check and it had millions of views,” she recalled. “After that, I was in my living room one day with my back to the TV and someone said, ‘There’s Bizkit!’ Anderson Cooper was showing the video and talking about her!”

A lucky 13 years have passed and six more videos have “racked up nearly 20 million views,” and Zimmerman is hoping that this name recognition will at least help her get her foot in the door. Both she and Coram have their work cut out for them as Boebert has been known as quite the campaigner. In fact, between January and mid-November of 2020, Rep. Boebert wrote herself a couple of checks from her campaign account claiming she had driven about 38,712 miles around Colorado during that time. That’s a whole lot of bullshit driving!

The chances that either of these two can unseat Boebert seem slim at best. Not unlike Donald Trump or Madison Cawthorn or Matt Gaetz, it is very clear to anyone paying attention that Boebert has no meaningful policy ideas outside of something about letting every conservative Christian have a million guns and that Donald Trump was best buddies with Jeffrey Epstein for a few decades as he slowly built a secret case to end human sex trafficking.

Coram hopes that the fact that he has a track record of passing legislation in his state will appeal to a constituency that has been so far hoodwinked by Boebert and her incredibly loud ‘do-nothing-but-fundraise’ approach to politics. “I’ve been in the majority. I’ve been in the minority. Look at the legislation I’ve carried. I can offer effective representation and be respectful in doing so,” he said.

Good luck with that.