Today in Insurrection News: Some of the would-be Pence-hangers actually thought the Capitol might have a lost and found for failed coups. How do we ever lose elections when these are the people on the other side? Seriously. Why don’t we just put out giant ant traps every November, with signs outside welcoming Republicans to their designated polling place? I know, I know. Because that would be wrong.

But what does one do with such egregious degrees of gormlessness? I can tell you what one does. One lolls about cow-eyed and mute, with a thousand-mile stare fixed with grim determination on the sweet release of death. And then one has a Little Debbie snack cake and takes a nap. Because to hear that the same people who stormed the Capitol, sought to kill the vice president of the United States, and smeared feces on the hallowed halls of government also called back the next day to see if anyone has seen their nunchucks or red hat is, well, just too absurd to contemplate.

Insider:

Rioters were calling “asking whether there was a lost and found because they forgot their phone there, or they left their purse or what have you,” Rep. Jamie Raskin, D-Md., told Insider on Friday in a Q&A.

[…]

“The officers quickly got on the phone and said, yeah, just give us your name, your address, your social, you know, and we’ll tie up those loose ends,” Raskin said. “But what’s so fascinating to me about that there really were people who felt as if they had been summoned to Washington by the president.”

Sure, come on down! Come collect your pipe bombs, too. They didn’t go off, but the egg timer looks like it’s still in pretty good shape. Have an incredible edible egg and rally the troops at the local Hobby Lobby. The next coup will go so much more smoothly, believe me.

Of course, as Raskin noted, many of the rioters thought it was just fine to be in the Capitol because their snake-oil suzerain Donald Trump had invited them there. 

“And when they were told that they were trespassing and invading the Capitol, they said the president invited them to be there,” Rep. Raskin told Insider. “They didn’t have any kind of subtle understanding of the separation of powers. They just thought that the number one person in the U.S. government had invited them to be there, and therefore they had a right.”

Well, to be fair, Trump never understood the separation of powers either. Still doesn’t. But he can point to a picture of an elephant and his uncle was smart, so naturally he’s the only person in the country qualified to be president. 

“It underscores the central role that Donald Trump played in [the insurrection],” Raskin added. “But it does create a problem for assigning guilt at different levels of conduct.”

Well, there’s a lot of guilt to go around. Unfortunately, the guilty parties aren’t inclined to accept any responsibility. Particularly not the guilty party, who was probably calling around the White House at the same time on Jan. 7—to see if Eric had been trapped in the laundry hamper.

But, yeah, it’s stunning to see exactly how much white privilege has warped these lawbreakers’ minds. Even after the horrific and tragic events of Jan. 6, they still thought what they’d done was no big deal. After all, their reality-show president had invited them to the party. Come on, man! Cut them some slack and give them their North Face fleece back.

What’s a little violent coup attempt between friends?

It made comedian Sarah Silverman say, “THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT,” and prompted author Stephen King to shout “Pulitzer Prize!!!” (on Twitter, that is). What is it? The viral letter that launched four hilarious Trump-trolling books. Get them all, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.