The hair-on-fire emergency in the quaggy swamplands of Florida Man’s brain these days isn’t COVID-19—it’s the ghastly thought that somewhere within the sea-buffeted borders of America’s enormous schwanzstucker, a sports-baller might get gruesomely Theismanned without hearing a musical tribute to our nation first. In other words, there’s no limit to the amount of time Republicans will waste, so long as the reason for doing so is sufficiently fatuous.

So with the speed, force, and brutality of Fabio getting hit in the face by a goose on a roller coaster, it’s essential that Florida Man respond with commensurate urgency. He won’t, of course, because performative jingoism is his thing—not, God forbid, helping to save his neighbors’ lives.

Enter Florida state Sen. Joe Gruters, who’s trying to make it illegal for you not to hear “The Star-Spangled Banner” before sporting events … unless you’re passed out drunk in a parking lot port-a-potty, of course—in which case there’s obviously no further need to prove you’re a real American. 

Evan Donovan, a political reporter for WFLA-TV in Tampa, Florida, brought this nonsense to Twitter’s attention on Tuesday. He also noted the bemused reaction of one of Gruters’ Democratic colleagues:

For the nontweeters:

If they fail to do so, they could face financial penalties or be cut out of future business.

And here’s the partial text of the bill:

(a) A written verification that the professional sports team will play the United States national anthem at the beginning of each sporting event held at the team’s home venue or other facility controlled by the team for the event.

After Gruters read the bill’s provisions, Sen. Vic Torres, a Democrat, laughed out loud and asked, “Who doesn’t play the national anthem now?”—to which Gruters immediately responded, “I don’t know that there are any known instances in Florida. This is just to make sure as a proactive approach that people continue to play it.”

Okay then! But, yeah, ensuring that everyone in the U.S. has unfettered access to the ballot box is just a silly, pointless overreach.

The bill was reported “favorably” in committee and will now advance to the next step in the legislative process, because God loves to mock me daily with absurdities like this.

And this:

YouTube Video

That there is the face of democracy these days, folks. It’s Fabio’s face. Slathered in the blood of a lone, luckless goose. But even though our republic may be wheezing like an unvaxxed Floridian right now, at least the people who are least likely to know the words to patriotic songs are working diligently to compel us all to sing them.

Because that’s the American way, you commie cucks. Get used to it.

It made author Stephen King shout “Pulitzer Prize!!!” and prompted comedian Sarah Silverman to say, “THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT.” What is it? The viral letter that launched four hilarious Trump-trolling books. Get them all, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.