Oh, hey, Ted Cruz still wants to be president! Of course he does. The “breaking” part of this news is that he still seems to think it’s possible. Though, to be fair, Ted did snag a lot of primary votes in 2016—and that was before the beard. Imagine the mojo he’s got workin’ now!

Of course, Ted is universally loathed among warm-blooded vertebrates, so he’s forced to run as a Republican. And he’s also apparently forced to break big news via The Truth Gazette, which sounds like the name of a publication a Republican 15-year-old would come up with. And here Cruz is sitting down with 15-year-old Brilyn Hollyhand, who started the conservative media outlet “to fight the Fake News.”

Watch:

CRUZ: “Absolutely. In a heartbeat. You know, I ran in 2016. It was the most fun I’ve ever had in my life. We had a very crowded field. We had 17 candidates in the race—a very strong field—and I ended up placing second. And, you know, there’s a reason historically that the runner-up is almost always the next nominee, and that’s been true going back to Nixon or Reagan or McCain or Romney—that has played out repeatedly. You come in with just an enormous base of support.”

Sure, Ted. Of course, the difference between you and Nixon, Reagan, McCain, et al., is that they hadn’t spent the previous eight years perfecting their impression of Trump’s second-least-favorite butt plug.

Cruz will run for president if the guy who called his wife ugly and suggested his father helped assassinate JFK says it’s okay. Otherwise, forget about it. It’ll also be interesting to see if anyone challenges Cruz’s eligibility, since you have to be a natural-born citizen to run, and Ted’s larval husk originally busted open in Canada. Of course, Ted’s proved his loyalty to our country time and time again, most recently by fleeing to Mexico when his constituents were freezing to death as a result of the holy free-market principles Ted is so proud of. 

And now he wants to bring his electric personality and failed Texas electric grid to the whole country. Well, I say let’s not fall for it.

It made comedian Sarah Silverman say, “THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT,” and prompted author Stephen King to shout “Pulitzer Prize!!!” (on Twitter, that is). What is it? The viral letter that launched four hilarious Trump-trolling books. Get them all, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.