For the past two years—and especially since we all got access to the lifesaving COVID-19 vaccines—I’ve felt like Luke Wilson’s character in Idiocracy trying to explain to relatives and acquaintances why they should irrigate their plants with water instead of sports drinks. It’s hard to get through to them, though—without an actual cranial saw, that is.

I can only imagine how Dr. Anthony Fauci feels. The guy went to medical school, became the foremost expert in his field, and researched infectious diseases for decades, and yet millions of people prefer to take their medical advice from Donald Trump, who on his healthiest day is a veritable garbage island of comorbidities. I can’t stop watching Fauci’s interviews, though, because I need to protect myself with the most up-to-date info and, more importantly, at some point he’s gonna drop an incandescent f-bomb, and I need to be tuned in when that happens. 

I mean, even Donald Trump recently acknowledged he got the COVID-19 booster shot, and has promoted the vaccines to his followers. Probably because his peeps were spending all their money on useless horse paste cures instead of useless “election integrity” grifts. And because his voters were literally dying. And because he wants to take credit for the vaccines that were being developed while he aimlessly fiddled his rancid nuts during coronavirus task force meetings. But, hey, at least he’s come around. That’s something.

Unfortunately, anti-vaccine sentiment is still rife—and needless to say, it’s not Joe Biden’s followers who are wreaking havoc. The latest example is a character named Christopher Key, who leads an anti-vaccine/pro-death group called Vaccine Police:

Okay then! Say, are citizen’s arrests really a thing? Because someone in our neighborhood just put up a plastic statue of Santa Claus praying to the baby Jesus, and I can’t even. 

Jesus Garbanzo-Snarfin’ Christ—what? If I’m gonna arrest anyone at a pharmacy it will be the company CEO for insisting on selling enormous tubs of Utz pork rinds to people picking up their blood pressure meds, not the poor sap giving out lifesaving vaccines. 

Not sure what’s so magical about Feb. 7, though. Is that the only time Gov. Edwards could clear on his calendar for being arrested by random roving loons? Regardless, I’ll be watching. Because if it’s this easy to arrest a sitting governor, I imagine it would be a cinch to clap Mike Lindell in King Kong chains and display him at one of the nation’s hundreds of sad malls that still have a dedicated Jazzercize space and are forced to rely on addlepated, part-time Santas who keep forgetting their beards aren’t cotton candy. 

But stay tuned! Key may actually pull this off. Or he might get COVID and die. I’d be more inclined to bet on the latter, honestly.

It made comedian Sarah Silverman say, “THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT,” and prompted author Stephen King to shout “Pulitzer Prize!!!” (on Twitter, that is). What is it? The viral letter that launched four hilarious Trump-trolling books. Get them all, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.