What else might people do to prevent COVID-19—aside from taking a free, safe, effective, FDA-approved vaccine? Horse paste was all the rage for a while. Bleach injections never really took off, despite the ocher abomination’s imprimatur. Oh, I know, maybe we can prank them into eating handfuls of dirt!

Nah, too ridiculous. Even MAGAs have a limit, right? Right? Oh, dear God, tell me I’m right.

Looks like we’ve crossed the Rubicon for about the 832nd time since the Trump era began, and on the opposite bank they’re scarfing dirt like popcorn shrimp at an Old Country Buffet. What the hell, anti-vaxxers? Did you think Jesus handed out loam and fishes to the hungry masses? 

I’d say we should all try to fool anti-vaxxers into sticking their tongues to metal poles this winter, but I’m actually a little afraid they might do it.

I seem to remember “don’t eat dirt” being one of those early lessons I internalized and never really took the time to question—along with “don’t eat paint chips,” “three bags of Funyuns is definitely too many,” and “never climb into a windowless white van with Ted Cruz.”

But that’s just me.

Anyway, according to a recent NBC News exposé, a company called Black Oxygen Organics (BOO) has been selling dirt to people and marketing it as a panacea. And it’s not cheap. Because if you’re going to fill bags with dirt and sell them to fuckwits, you might as well swing for the fences. After all, no one’s gonna buy a 75-cent bag of miracle muck.

BOO, which “can be taken by anyone at any age, as well as animals,” according to the company, claims many benefits and uses, including improved brain function and heart health, and ridding the body of so-called toxins that include heavy metals, pesticides, and parasites.

Yeah, that’s just bonkers. But it gets worse.

Oh, of course it can. I mean, have you ever eaten a pile of dirt merely on the off chance it would cure cancer and COVID-19? If you’re gonna masticate some mud, you must be pretty confident in your research, huh? That’s just common sense.

Naturally, Black Oxygen Organics is sold via a multilevel marketing scheme, because there weren’t already enough red flags slapping these gormless gooberoos upside the head … warning them that a $110 literal dirtbag may not be the holy grail they think it is.

As you probably expected, magic dirt groups have proliferated on Facebook, helping to boost BOO’s fortunes among the already credulous. According to NBC’s reporting, the groups have become inundated with anti-vaxxers and COVID deniers, “including prominent activists who sell the product to raise funds for anti-vaccine efforts.” In fact, one top BOO seller recently noted that COVID has “been kind of a blessing” for their business.

So what quack cure will be next? One can only imagine. I’m afraid to even speculate, because I might conjure it into existence. I mean, what could be so outlandish that MAGAs wouldn’t embrace it as a cure? Licking frogs? Keeping a woozy fruit bat in one’s Underoos 24/7?

The mind reels.

It made comedian Sarah Silverman say, “THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT,” and prompted author Stephen King to shout “Pulitzer Prize!!!” (on Twitter, that is). What is it? The viral letter that launched four hilarious Trump-trolling books. Get them all, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.