Jenna Ryan, the insurrectionist who flew in on a charted private jet in order to participate in an act of treason at our nation’s Capitol building on Jan. 6, is going to jail soon. You may remember Ryan as the Texas MAGA real estate broker who said publicly that she was “Definitely not going to jail. Sorry I have blonde hair white skin a great job a great future and I’m not going to jail. Sorry to rain on your hater parade. I did nothing wrong,” a few months before being sentenced to 60 days in jail.

The day of Ms. Ryan’s reckoning is fast approaching, and she has been working to line up her narcissistic persecution-complex brand. She has made some appearances at the right-wing outlet you would expect: Newsmax. Her angle is that she is was sentenced not because she filmed herself breaking the law, then lied about the laws she filmed herself breaking, but because of her tweet above saying she would not go to prison. You see, this is all left-wing woke mob virtue signaling by the famously pro-liberal and pro-Black Lives Matter law enforcement and judicial system.

But before Ms. Ryan surrenders herself to authorities, she has decided she is going to continue to make the kinds of videos that prove she not only has zero remorse for her actions, she also does not believe she is guilty of anything. Oh, and yeah, she wants protein shakes and I suspect a professional-quality blender when she goes to prison in Jan. 2022.

It is Ryan’s narcissism that got her into this mess. Her tendency to film her face and speak into a mirror image of herself on her phone and then post it online for public consumption made the Department of Justice’s job very easy. Guess what? She hasn’t learned. Her favorite app for talking about herself into the camera of her phone is TikTok.

On Nov. 4, Ryan was sentenced to 60 days in jail after pleading with the judge, who was shockingly unswayed when Ryan made her plea: “My social media is an image I project and not my real life,” she said, and added that her brand included not “always” being able to “display remorse.”

The following day, she posted a video to TikTok saying she was “going to prison.” Preening in a way that can only be described as unsettling, Ryan tells her audience that she just got finished doing an interview thing with Newsmax. And then she gives her side of the sentencing story.

Oh boy. But don’t you worry, Jenna has ideas about prison! While she is not sure “what you do in prison,” she imagines that you “do a lot of yoga. You work out. Read a book. Write a book. I already have a book written.” She goes on to say she that has a literary agent and she’s excited about her book project and she just has to finish writing “a little piece of it.”

Maybe that “little piece” is the whole chapter about how recording yourself being an ignoramus and breaking laws on federal land is just an opportunity, like Trump and the rest of the corrupt MAGA landscape, to sell some books. She says it could even be a movie someday.

Excuse me while I take a break to sip on some laudanum.

I’m back! How might the story of a woman wearing poorly designed Trump memorabilia who films herself saying ugly and unaware things and breaking the law in service to a coup d’etat be turned into a motion picture? It would be about how Jenna Ryan “got entangled in this political fiasco of epic proportions and accused of being a complete and utter piece of poop.” Sounds like a real cinematic experience.

She goes on to explain to her audience that she isn’t going to a penitentiary, so she doesn’t have to worry about the violence and homophobic terror promoted to Americans about our penal system. She will be locked away like “a dog in a pen.” 

In a video she posted a few days ago, Ryan said she was having a real roller coaster of emotions these days but that she was posting because she felt like she could “take on the world.” She also claimed that she had had to go off of all of her medications because you cannot have them in federal prison. It is not clear what medications a federal prison would not allow her to have as, by law, any drugs prescribed by a licensed professional can be taken in prison, though those drugs must be handled and controlled through the correctional facility’s pharmacy.

Any the ways. On Sunday, Ryan posted a new video titled “Keep Positive- Prison Fit Check,” in which she explained the optimistic outlook for her prison stay. “The only thing I can see that’s good about going to prison is that I’m going to be able to work out a lot, and do a lot of yoga, and detox.” That’s a positive attitude. “And also I can’t eat because the food is awful and, there’s just no food.” Interesting. Maybe she has read some of my articles about how Alabama, Sheriff Todd Entrekin pocketed around $750,000 from the prison food fund over a three-year period? Maybe she’s mixing up her ideas with the food given to high school students in predominantly Black areas?

Probably not. But never fear, Ms. Ryan has some hopes and dreams about the alternatives she can expect to see in federal prison. “Hopefully they have like some protein shakes and some protein bars, I think?” Protein bars are indeed a thing. “Because you don’t want to eat, like, green baloney.” Oh, maybe she’s reading stories about how the Orange County Sheriff’s Department served rancid meat to immigrant detainees?

Back to some good old self-motivation from Ms. Ryan. “So, I’ll lose some weight in prison, everyone is telling me I’ll lose weight.” Great, I guess? “So hopefully I’ll be able to get down to my ideal weight because I won’t be able to drink. I won’t be able to eat. I won’t be able to eat all of the stupid stuff like chips and all of the stupid stuff I eat, sometimes.” She then proceeds to weigh herself on camera and basically says she believes she can lose about 30 pounds in prison. In fact, Ryan goes on, if she can drop 30 pounds in 60 days, prison will “be worth it.”

Maybe the “little piece” of her book that she needs to finish is the whole “How to lose 30 pounds in 60 days by participating in an insurrection, getting arrested, and going to federal prison”?