How the hell did Republican Louie Gohmert of Texas ever become a member of the House of Representatives? Did he collect the most Froot Loops box tops in his district? Did our reptilian alien overlords take a sudden liking to him halfway through eating his brain? Did he run against a seagull crapping in a bag of Ruffles? 

I really want to know, because something here just isn’t right. God forbid he ever need a brain transplant, because krill don’t live very long outside of water. I’d suggest he get a vasectomy to protect us from the creeping contagion of his corn nuts, but his doctor would almost certainly give him one of those acrylic head cones to keep him from licking his stitches, and you simply can’t brook such lurid spectacles on the House floor.

So instead you get this:

Okay, then. I have questions.

Who the fuck is brushing their teeth with <em>bark</em>?
Assuming this is actually happening somewhere in the real world, doesn’t that argue for the family-friendly social safety net provisions in President Biden’s Build Back Better plan? Hey, Biden might even want to lead with that during his next speech in support of the BBB. “Americans brushing their teeth with trees? Outrageous! Pass this bill!”

Oh, but Mr. Science wasn’t done. Oh, no. Not by a long shot:

He’s read that, huh? Where? The highly respected New England Journal of Things Pulled From Louie Gohmert’s Ass at 3 AM on a Tuesday in the Waco ER? 

If you want to convince someone to support measures to combat climate change—well, yes, you can tell them about melting icecaps and emaciated polar bears and whatnot, but perhaps the best argument in favor of urgent action is that Louie Gohmert is against it.

Clearly, Republicans are not sending their best people, now are they?

It made comedian Sarah Silverman say, “THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT,” and prompted author Stephen King to shout “Pulitzer Prize!!!” (on Twitter, that is). What is it? The viral letter that launched four hilarious Trump-trolling books. Get them all, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.