`Facebook is a menace. COVID-19 is a menace. Conservatism is a cesspool. Together, those three ingredients have created a toxic stew of malevolent death and devastation. We can talk about all those things in the abstract, look at the numbers and statistics, and catch the occasional whiff of seditionist right-wing rhetoric. But I hadn’t really fully understood just how horrifying that combination of right-wing extremism, Facebook, and a killer virus was until I became a regular at the Herman Cain Awards subreddit. This series will document some of those stories, so we are aware of what the other side is doing to our country.

Today’s cautionary tale is a Missouri snowflake.

Heck no, he won’t take no vaccine! 

Not sure what good ol’ snowflake was trying to say there … if what plays out? A vaccine passport? Why would a vaccine passport prove that good ol’ snowflake isn’t an idiot? 

Whether he’s an idiot has less to do with vaccine passports, which I wish would happen, and more with swabbing Neosporin and thinking that protects you against COVID. 

Where do people come up with this shit? 

GUYS. 

He won’t take Sodium Chloride! That shit sounds scary with the big words and all! 

GUYS. 

He won’t take monopotassium phosphate! That sounds scary with the big words!

Unrelated, I wondered what was in Gatorade: Sugar dextrose, citric acid, natural and artificial flavor, salt, sodium citrate, monopotassium phosphate, calcium silicate, modified food starch, yellow 5.

Well, potassium chloride has to be scary, right? Let me see what it looks like: 

It’s just a low-sodium salt substitute

Oof. But, but, but there is medicine in there, and those names are scary! I’m sure he doesn’t take any other medication, right? Except we know he does! Neosporin, for example: Bacitracin zinc, neomycin sulfate, polymyxin B sulfate, cocoa butter, cottonseed oil, olive oil, sodium pyruvate, vitamin E, white petrolatum. 

These people are ridiculous. 

Is he overweight? Oy vey, yet another comorbidity…

But sure, he’s pieced the conspiracy together, the government wants to microchip you, which it totally couldn’t do with an NFC chip on your driver’s license, or just simply tracking your phone. 

“Wearing a mask is no big deal it’s easy I can totally do it if I have to I’m just an asshole and won’t.” 

“No shoes, no shirt, no mask, no vax, no service. Get out.” 

The end. 

They sure love their stupid fantasy conservative cosplay scripts. 

I keep trying to understand what he’s trying to say, but he’s utterly incoherent. 

“The continuance of the plan.” 

Yes, the plan to vaccinate everyone so people don’t die. That’s the plan. This shit ain’t hard, but they’ve made it so hard.

No. Cigarettes are not FDA approved. They’re regulated by the FDA. My fucking god they’re dumb. 

This is how lies spread throughout the country. “Thousands of police officers losing their jobs!” was a police union official claiming thousands would quit under a vaccine mandate. Turns out, none of those threats happened. In New York, the union claimed 10,000 would quit, 34 ended up doing so. In San Jose, 100 cops threatened to quit, six ended up refusing to vax. But now, according to conservatives, thousands have lost their jobs. 

Kinda like most conservatives believing that the Arizona fraudit—which actually gave President Joe Biden a bigger winning margin—found evidence that Trump won the state. 

And really, he’s incoherent. 

UNEDUCATED.

UNINFORMED.

Did hospital staff yell “HELL NO” like he did when offered the vaccine? 

When you distribute mis- and disinformation that exacerbates a public health crisis that overwhelms hospitals … sometimes it’s hard to get a bed. Good thing he was unafraid, though. I’m sure shit was chill to the very end. 

I looked up the hospital capacity for that specific hospital. It was last updated on November 5, and it has 389 out of 390 impatient beds occupied and 113 out of 113 ICU beds occupied. And that hospital has been essentially maxed out since January 15, 2021.

Meanwhile, his wife is like, “I just heard from someone” that her husband passed, and made sure to mention that they were no longer living together—what a sad, empty way to exit this life. 

On the plus side, no one will ever force him to consume table salt again. EVER.