The hirsute-lipped brain effluent known as Mike Lindell is at it again. And by “it,” I mean giving his brutally overworked absinthe fairies another go at convincing the world—through this bellowing bringer of absurdities and unduly upbeat pillow ads—that Donald Trump really and for true won the 2020 presidential election.

To prove his thesis, Lindell has crawled down hundreds of rabbit holes bristling with brain-damaged rabbits. His cyber symposium—which was supposed to convince the Supreme Court to “take down” the 2020 election—was a big-time bust, but he keeps fiddling the same tune, like the Titanic’s string quartet after it’s already alit on the ocean floor.

The latest? Lindell met with Alabama officials to tell them their election was fraudulent and corrupt—because if you’re going to steal an election, it makes perfect sense to “flip votes” from Donald Trump to Joe Biden in a state that literally no one with any understanding of U.S. politics thought Biden could possibly win. It would be like bribing half of Scandinavia to make Carrot Top runner-up for the Nobel Prize in Literature. But then Lindell doesn’t exactly think things through:

“This was the one time we’re going to have to do a little bit of a deeper dive here,” Lindell said by way of explanation. “On the surface you can’t see where it happened. What I guarantee they’ve had to do in Alabama is the bad people … went deeper into the well. Very deep into the well of how they did the flips.”

Naturally, Lindell provided no real evidence of these vote flips, and no evidence is forthcoming. But why get in the way of a cultish certainty?

As AL.com reported, Lindell believes the votes may have been flipped through Bluetooth technology, which Lindell likely understands as well as he does the stupefying effects of off-brand mustache pomade.

After visiting Alabama Gov. Kay Ivey and Secretary of State John Merrill, both Republicans, Lindell claimed in a Sept. 19 video that Alabama was a “role model as to how elections should go” while also asserting that its elections were “hacked … just like [in] every other state.”

Merrill wasn’t impressed with Lindell’s amateur assessment:

Merrill said Lindell purchased a copy of Alabama’s voting rolls, a service that’s available to anyone. Any analysis that shows manipulation is wrong, he added.

“We didn’t have any vote changes. Zero. It’s not possible to have any vote changed,” Merrill said.

No, it’s impossible. And it’s even impossibler for Georgia, where every paper ballot was recounted by hand, to have been the victim of an election-altering computer hack, as Lindell claims. But then, Lindell is convinced Jesus anointed an admitted sexual assaulter and inveterate liar as the leader of the free world, so naturally he seems uninterested in any narrative that doesn’t mesh with the hagiographic fairytales he tells about Donald Trump.

Of course, one of those fictions is that Trump was such a transcendent and holy figure that he can’t have lost reelection. Because, well, all of Lindell’s friends voted for Trump, and that’s as good as any scientific poll. Or maybe they just said they voted for him to escape the bratwurst detritus flying in their faces like watermelon chunks at a Gallagher show. Either way, Pillow Man will never relent until he’s snug in his mausoleum drawer, gripping a lock of the big guy’s flowing, flaxen, cotton-candy hair.

It made comedian Sarah Silverman say, “THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT,” and prompted author Stephen King to shout “Pulitzer Prize!!!” (on Twitter, that is). What is it? The viral letter that launched four hilarious Trump-trolling books. Get them all, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.