One is tempted to compare Republicans’ indifference to their constituents’ health to a slaughterhouse worker leading cows to the abattoir—but it turns out some Republicans actually prioritize our bovine brethren over the proto-Soylent Green biscuits who make up their beloved base. (For those unfamiliar, Soylent Green is a 1973 dystopian sci-fi thriller in which ex-NRA spokes-statue Charlton Heston is conspicuously out-acted by a pallet of mealy green wafers.)

In a misguided attempt to make the widespread distribution of freedom phlegm the linchpin of the ‘merican ethos, Republican elected officials from sea to pestilent sea are doing all they can to stifle progress in our fight against COVID-19.

Take Tennessee, for example. With just 48.7% of its adult residents fully vaccinated, the state has one of the lowest COVID-19 vaccination rates in the nation. And Tennessee officials are doing their level best to keep it that way. For instance, following criticism from state Republican legislators, last month the Tennessee Department of Health decided to halt youth outreach for all vaccinations, not just for COVID-19 shots. 

So you probably just read that and thought, “Man, how could they possibly be more ridiculous?” And then Tennessee Gov. Bill Lee bolted upright and said, “Hold my steer.”

You see, Lee is refusing to offer incentives such as cash payments to encourage people to save their own lives, but his tune changes considerably when it comes to his sacred cows:

Lee, who so far has avoided drawing a serious Republican primary challenge in his 2022 reelection bid, has been accused of complacency in the face of the deadly pandemic. Tennessee’s vaccination rates for Covid-19 hover at 39 percent of its total population, versus over 49 percent nationally for the fully vaccinated. The state’s Covid hospitalizations have more than tripled over the past three weeks and infections have increased more than five-fold.

So if you’re a Tennessee resident and want to get paid for doing the right thing (granted, you should do the right thing anyway, but some people apparently need a nudge), you may have to try something like this …

YouTube Video

Just make sure you’re in the hind section if you want to get the full dose.

As the AP reported, Lee has pooh-poohed incentivizing Tennessee residents to prevent the further spread of a (now dangerously mutated) virus that’s already killed nearly 630,000 Americans. In a speech to the Tennessee Cattlemen’s Association on Friday, Lee said he didn’t think incentives would be effective, adding, “I don’t think that’s the role of government. The role of government is to make it available and then to encourage folks to get a vaccine.”

In a statement, Lee spokesperson Casey Black also tried to explain away the apparent contradiction: “Tennesseans have every incentive to get the Covid-19 vaccine—it’s free and available in every corner of the state with virtually no wait. While a veterinarian can weigh in on safely raising cattle for consumption, the state will continue to provide human Tennesseans with Covid-19 vaccine information and access.”

Okay, no one was saying that cows are humans’ equal when it comes to responsibly choosing an appropriate health regimen for themselves—though, granted, reading through some of my anti-vaxxer family members’ DMs might give you that impression.

“Information and access” is obviously not enough when there’s so much disinformation coursing through our body politic’s veins. Indeed, the best thing that could happen for our reeling country right now would be if Tucker Carlson finally choked to death on his own vomit in a Spirit Halloween My Little Pony costume. (Come on, you know that’s coming.) But barring that, we need to do everything in our power, short of outright coercion, to get shots in arms. 

Unfortunately, not only is Tennessee not doing that, they’re frantically pulling in the opposite direction. 

Hey, great idea! In the middle of the biggest public health crisis in 100 years, let’s take a big steaming dookie on the one proven tool that can actually get us out of this mess.

I’m tempted to say people like Lee are cutting off their nose to spite their face, but it’s actually much worse than that. They’re killing their own people (or at the very least allowing them to die) for no clear reason whatsoever. 

But, hey, as long as his cows are fine then all is right with the world, eh?

It made comedian Sarah Silverman say “THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT” and prompted author Stephen King to shout “Pulitzer Prize!!!” (on Twitter, that is). What is it? The viral letter that launched four hilarious Trump-trolling books. Get them all, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Just $12.96 for the pack of 4! Or if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.