You know, if we’re just going to go with our hunches about political races and assume they mean something, then I must insist that Joe Biden won the 2020 presidential election by a final score of 154 million to, I don’t know, 8. Total votes, that is. Because I simply can’t fathom why anyone not named Trump would ever vote for anyone who is named Trump. It would be like putting up a big, star-spangled yard sign to let your neighbors know you have chlamydia. Only far more embarrassing.

Unfortunately, my visceral hunches are worthless, as evidenced by my warehouse full of unsold Michael Dukakis tank-helmet action figures. Luckily, though, I don’t rely on hunches, astrological charts, chicken entrails, Dick Morris, or any other wildly unreliable yardstick to determine who wins elections. I rely on counted and certified votes. Yes, I know. Quaint.

Rachel Hamm, a “children’s ministries director at a large evangelical church,” is nevertheless attempting to use something akin to witchcraft to ascertain the true winner of California’s 2020 electoral votes. She’s also a candidate for California secretary of state who’s been endorsed both by Pillow Man Mike Lindell and Roger Stone, so you know she’s legit.

On the July 28 edition of Steve Bannon Molts His Larval Alien Husk Before Your Astonished Eyes, Hamm was asked how she knew Donald Trump won California. (Narrator: He didn’t.)

It went a little like this:

YouTube Video

Hoo-boy, that’s something, huh?

To be fair, I don’t know what poll she’s talking about here. However, I do know that Joe Biden won the state of California by 29.2%—exactly as predicted. 

But yes, there were Trump signs. Even in liberal areas. That tends to happen when you have the support of roughly 6 million people who really like yard signs. And flags. And boats. But it means fuck-all at the voting booth.

It’s getting weird out there, folks. There seems to be an emerging groundswell of sentiment for pretending Donald Trump won a state that it was all but logically impossible for him to have won. Ten days ago, Pillow Man also declared Donald Trump the true and rightful winner of the Golden State, to raucous applause.  

Sure, why not? Let’s just say he won New York, too. And the Powerball Lottery. And a Nobel Prize in Awesomeness. And a Willy Wonka golden ticket.

If you’re gonna go starkers, you might as well reach for the stars, right?

It made comedian Sarah Silverman say “THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT” and prompted author Stephen King to shout “Pulitzer Prize!!!” (on Twitter, that is). What is it? The viral letter that launched four hilarious Trump-trolling books. Get them all, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Just $12.96 for the pack of 4! Or if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.