When I woke up this morning, I thought—as I do most days, and I’m sure you do—“What is the world’s youngest Bitcoin millionaire up to today?” And lo and behold, I got my answer. 

Because social media companies have things called terms of service, they sometimes boot people off their platforms. This has nothing to do with ideology. If Joe Biden had lost the election and used Twitter to summon a horde of slavering orcs to attack the U.S. Capitol, he would have been banned, too. But because wealthy white people are the most persecuted minority in the history of persecution, they think they’re being targeted. So you get steaming mounds of tauntaun like GETTR, which almost instantly became a bastion of liberty for cartoon porn fetishists. 

Not to be outdone, “Bitcoin millionaire” Erik Finman is, to great bland-fare, unveiling a device he’s calling the “Freedom Phone.”

It’s exactly what you’d expect, and more.

Here’s how Finman introduced Freedom Phone to the world.

Transcript!

“Hi, I’m Erik. I’m the world’s youngest Bitcoin millionaire. I made it in Silicon Valley and I’ve accomplished a lot in my life already. But now I’m leaving Big Tech to fight for free speech because the Big Tech overlords are violating your privacy, censoring your speech, and I think that’s so wrong. That’s why I created the Freedom Phone and its uncensorable app store.

“Everyone is complaining about Big Tech censorship, but no one is doing anything about it. They say, ‘Build your own phone,’ so I did. Freedom Phone truly is the best phone in the world. It does everything your current phone does, except censor you and spy on you. With the Freedom Phone, your freedom of speech is our number one priority. That’s why we built our own app store that is completely uncensored.

“If an app you love has been banned from the mainstream app stores, you can still download it on ours because we don’t ban apps, period.”

And on and on and on.

Of course, there’s some irony in the way Finman has responded to his very first critics. Behold!

Oh, yes. That’s Mr. Freedom Phone himself, furiously hiding responses to his launch tweet … and blocking Twitter members who are mean to him.

Not a great start, dude. 

Twitter had some further thoughts:

Pretty snide, huh? Of course, that’s exactly the kind of gentle ribbing you can expect on a free, open, and active social media platf—

Oh, shit, Finman banned that Twitter user, too.

Other users were skeptical of the self-described baby Bitcoin success story’s technological promises.

Then it was discovered that Finman didn’t “create” the Freedom Phone.

More on dropshipping here, admittedly through the lens of Amazon, which wants people to use their “dropshipping alternative,” which Amazon users will recognize as “Fulfillment by Amazon.” The short version? Finman is apparently slapping a “Freedom Phone” logo on this phone, and leaving the shipping to the manufacturer, who gets a cut.

Sounds super historic.

So this looks like just another cash grab from a self-described “Bitcoin millionaire,” whatever that means. I assume it means he bought Bitcoin when it was really cheap and sat on his ass waiting for it to increase in value. Oh, wait. Yes! That’s exactly what happened!

If you want to call him savvy or just plain lucky, fine. But what Finman isn’t is a tech visionary uniquely situated to launch a phone company. But he sure can spot a trend in all the white whining currently flooding the nation.

Hey, if there was an ETF or mutual fund that was indexed to the recent surge in white grievance, I’d buy it in a New York nanosecond. Trump’s and his troglodytes’ complaints about Big Tech are mostly nonsense, of course, but that doesn’t mean you can’t monetize them—if you’re the kind of person who’s already discovered the infinite virtues of sitting around waiting for barrels of cash to roll in.

Sadly, as we all know, being a millionaire doesn’t make you smart. If it did, Mike Lindell wouldn’t be hemorrhaging his MyPillow millions in a vain attempt to reinstate the Pig Kahuna. 

Maybe young Erik can lose his fortune just as fast as he accumulated it. Now wouldn’t that be a damn shame?

It made comedian Sarah Silverman say “THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT” and prompted author Stephen King to shout “Pulitzer Prize!!!” (on Twitter, that is). What is it? The viral letter that launched four hilarious Trump-trolling books. Get them all, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Just $12.96 for the pack of 4! Or if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.