Pillow Man Mike Lindell—the answer to the eternal question “What would happen if Ned Flanders’ mustache grew a rudimentary brain stem?”—is in the news again. The next installment in Lindell’s multistate goalpost-moving tour, the Aug. 10-12 Cyber Symposium, will be so compelling, he claims, that Joe Biden and Kamala Harris just may resign in shame on Aug. 13. Because, you know, the evidence will be just that incontrovertible.

And he’s being serious. How do we know that? Because that’s a direct quote. “I’m serious,” said the pillow magnate with the outsized dreams of a world where White Jesus has veto power over all our rotten elections. On Monday, Lindell went on one of the few media outlets still willing to indulge the arbitrary whims of his brain parasites: Steve Bannon’s War Room: Pandemic. 

Once there, he delivered some of his most ridiculous predictions yet.

Let’s pick this video up at 1:40:

YouTube Video

(Partial) Transcript!

Personally, I prefer my word salad without sour grapes, but maybe that’s just me.

Now, there’s essentially no chance that Biden and Harris will resign after Lindell reveals his latest pile of “evidence.” I say “essentially” no chance because epistemological due diligence compels me to acknowledge that just about anything can happen as long as it’s not logically impossible. Of course, I’d argue that the chance of this election being overturned is not 100%, as Lindell continually asserts, but closer to one divided by infinity. In other words, he’d pretty much need an infinite improbability drive to make this happen. Then again, even if he did have one, it’s unlikely he’d be able to use it … unless it ran on bratwurst fumes and rank obtuseness.

Of course, as many constitutional scholars (i.e., regular citizens who can read and interpret words) noted on Twitter, Biden and Harris’ resigning would not miraculously return Donald Trump to power because, well, laws and stuff.

If Biden and Harris were to resign, Nancy Pelosi would become the first woman president. Or so you think! You see, Pillow Man is always at least one step ahead of you!

Don’t fret. There’s a better chance of Donald Trump conceding the election he lost than Biden renouncing the election he won. In other words, the possibility is essentially zero. The concerning part is that, nearly eight months after the fact, people still believe this nonsense—the very same nonsense that led to the deadly Jan. 6 insurrection.

It made comedian Sarah Silverman say “THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT” and prompted author Stephen King to shout “Pulitzer Prize!!!” (on Twitter, that is). What is it? The viral letter that launched four hilarious Trump-trolling books. Get them all, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Just $12.96 for the pack of 4! Or if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.