I’ll never understand why anyone listens to Donald Trump on any subject. He wanted to nuke hurricanes. He wanted to put alligator-filled moats along the southern border. He thinks windmills cause cancer, asbestos is swell, and exercise is bad for you. He seriously suggested pumping our bodies full of UV light and disinfectant. He thinks we have planes that are literally invisible, for God’s sake! 

Nevertheless, millions of Trump fans have bent their brains into pretzels trying to make his doofus proclamations sound presidential—or even marginally nonsimian (see also: hydroxychloroquine).

We’ve pretty well established that Trump’s brain is, at best, masticated circus peanut and, at worst, Lucifer’s molten boom-booms, and yet when he dry-heaves utter batshit nonsense, plenty of his fans seem all too ready to lick it up like feral purse poodles.

Case in point: Fully 29% of Republicans think Donald Trump is returning before the year is out—possibly riding in on a cloud or a flaming chariot or (more likely) a golf cart with a cupholder and custom-installed deep fryer.

A new Politico/Morning Consult poll asked survey respondents this straightforward question: “How likely do you think it is that former President Donald Trump will be reinstated as U.S. President this year, if at all?” The question was no doubt included in the poll because Trump himself has been telling insiders that he thinks he’ll be back in office by August. (Narrator: He won’t.)

The results? (You still have time to bail if you’ve had your yearly quota of frothing insanity. You’re still here? Okay, gird your loins.)

Among Republicans surveyed, 17% think it’s “very likely” that Trump will return to the White House this year, 12% think it’s “somewhat likely,” and 10% don’t know or have no opinion. Taken together, this shows that two-fifths of Republicans have not yet accepted that Joe Biden won the presidency.

Of course, that wasn’t the only eye-opening result. Asked whether things are going in the right direction in the U.S. or on the wrong track, only 15% of Republicans thought things were going in a positive direction, while 85% said we’re veering off course. Guess 85% of Republicans prefer raging pandemics and collapsing economies to Democratic presidents.

Is this what it’s like to lick hallucinogenic toads for breakfast in lieu of frosted Pop-Tarts? At some point, do you just surrender to the unreality of your environment?

Over at Civiqs, even more Republicans report they’re worried; a stunning 93% of card-carrying GOPers think we’re all gonna die.

Civiqs Results

If you enjoy watching Donald Trump eat the Republican Party from within, like a genetically modified tropical eyeball worm, you’ll be happy to know that the Politico/Morning Consult poll found that 80% of Republicans want to stick around so they can see him play either a major (59%) or a minor role (21%) in the party going forward. If you’d prefer he stay in Florida chucking oyster shells at flamingos from his balcony, you’ll likely be disappointed by the 13% of Republicans who want him to slink away.

There’s also some good news, of course. President Biden’s approval rating is at 53% among all registered voters, with 28% of respondents “strongly” approving of the job he’s doing, 25% “somewhat” approving, 43% disapproving, and the rest offering no opinion.

Meanwhile, 66% of registered voters want Congress to pass an infrastructure bill—so maybe we should get that done, huh? 

There’s still some sanity left in the world, so long as you look in the right place. And that right place is clearly nowhere in the vicinity of the right wing. I invite Republicans to hurry on back to planet Earth. The water’s fine. At least it is for now—unfortunately, only 12% of Republicans consider passing a bill to address climate change a “top priority.”

Go figure.

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