If Donald Trump were on a life raft in the middle of the ocean with Don Jr. and Ivanka, I have no doubt he’d start fricasséeing his firstborn before ever roasting his daughter—or a root vegetable, for that matter.

Ivanka may be the only other person on earth who even registers as human through his rheumy, Adderall-besotted eyes. So naturally it’s no surprise that she’s the one he’d try to keep out of prison—assuming she didn’t have to take the fall for him, that is.

According to former Trump lawyer and fixer Michael Cohen—whom I’ve suddenly stopped regarding as a Machiavellian Barney Rubble who occasionally wears shoes, now that he’s on our side—Donald Trump would have no problem choosing one of his kids over the others if it came down to keeping either of them out of stir. And that “one,” of course, is the daughter he infamously said he’d like to date if it weren’t for that danged consanguinity.

In a recent interview, Cohen, who took the fall in Individual-1’s stead over the latter’s campaign finance tomfoolery, said Trump would, if it ever came down to it, throw Don Jr. under the bus before Ivanka could finish putting on her lip gloss. 

The Mercury News:

“Donald says to me, ‘If one of the two has to end up going, let it be Don: He can handle it,'” Cohen recalled Trump saying.

This conversation took place around 2012 when the same district attorney’s office, led by Cyrus Vance Jr., was considering bringing felony fraud charges against Trump’s two oldest children on allegations they deliberately provided misleading information to prospective buyers at the Trump SoHo, a hotel and condo development in Manhattan.

Now, I don’t suppose Trump is actually reptilian enough to eat his children, but I do think he’d sacrifice them for the greater good of Donald Trump. Because to Trump, Donald Trump is the summum bonum of the entire Trumpiverse. And I suppose it would be tough for Ivanka to find contraband couture in prison, whereas it wouldn’t be all that difficult to find a mattress stain that looks like Kimberly Guilfoyle … so Junior would be a lot more likely to feel at home.

But the overarching point isn’t that Trump would choose to spare Ivanka in lieu of Don Jr.

It’s that Trump would choose to spare his own neck in lieu of literally anyone else’s. 

From the same interview:

Transcript!

(dramatic glasses removal)

… and therefore, since he’s the Teflon Don, he’s going to figure out how to save me.’ Well, no, Donald’s not going to save you, you dumbass. Donald is going to fucking throw you under the proverbial bus, and when you get run over by the tire, he’s going to jump into the driver’s seat and he’s going to run over you again to make sure that you’re gone. That’s just Donald.”

Of course, none of this means Trump would actually fall on his sword for his favorite child. Not if the heat were closing in on him, that is. “But rest assured, she goes before [Trump] does,” Cohen said of Ivanka. “Melania would go before Donald would go.”

This has all become far more relevant now that the walls appear to be closing in on TrumpWorld. Hey, I want to see them all in prison, but I’d rather see the Big Ocher Arschloch in the brig before any sorry paella of his demon spawn and underlings.

Hopefully Vance and New York Attorney General Letitia James are focusing on the Big Cheese and not his squeaky little curds. Don Jr. would be an aperitif, but Teflon Don is the whole fucking meal. 

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